Thank-you, wise women, for creating such a deep and caring circle today - what a wonderful way to begin our new session together!
Today, as so many times before, the message and intent of our circle is developed in the weeks and days leading up to our gathering as well as from the energy of the circle itself (in real time). As such, much of my class preparation (and yours) is about tuning in and opening up, so that I (we) may be fully present to what wants to arise. Together we weave words and movements to serve our highest good and also for the highest good of the collective (because when we heal we heal those around us).
I had been planning to focus our first class on the energy of this powerful new year and the releasing of energetic blocks. However, I wanted to stay open to all possibilities, so in my meditation this morning I asked spirit if there was anything else that wanted to come forward today?
Apparently spirit wanted me to stick with this theme as I was led to one of my daily meditation books and the message for today, January 11th, was entitled:
“Let Go of the Blocks”…
“I wandered into a bookstore in a small Southern California town, browsed for a while, then began chatting with the clerk. “Times are different now,” I said. “Changing fast. Turning into something new, so different many of us can’t imagine.”
”Yes,” she replied quietly and prophetically. “Things are going to be easier. Unless there’s something you’re still hanging on to.”
Is there something you’re still hanging on to? A remnant from the past that’s blocking you from stepping into the future? From stepping into today?
Look into your heart. The answer is there. Perhaps its a behaviour, a person, a belief. Is there an answer from the past that’s blocking your ability to love yourself, to connect with God, life, others? Ask yourself if there’s something you’re hanging on to that has outworn its purpose. Old chains can tie us to the past, to past pain, to a path we’e already trodden, a place we’ve already been.
Now is the time to let go. Gently, quietly, let go. Allow yourself a few looks back and as many tears as are needed. Where you’ve been has been important. It has helped shape who you are. But have faith that where you’re going is important and wonderful, too.
Greatly let go. Be free to step
into your future of joy.”
Beyond the obvious affirmation for my class plans, there is special significance to this meditation being on the date of January 11th. January 11th is my oldest daughter's birthday which was a powerful lesson in letting go (see the footnote below for more on this).
The other reading I was inspired to share with you came in an email from Richard Rohr (www.cac.org) and was a sweet little gem written by Parker Palmer…
“Quaker author and elder Parker Palmer writes about his evolving perspective and priorities as he grows older:
Most older folks I know fret about unloading material goods they’ve collected over the years, stuff that was once useful to them but now prevents them from moving freely about their homes. There are precincts in our basement where a small child could get lost for hours.
But the junk I really need to jettison in my old age is psychological junk—such as longtime convictions about what gives my life meaning that no longer serve me well. For example, who will I be when I can no longer do the work that has been a primary source of identity for me for the past half century?
I won’t know the answer until I get there. But on my way to that day, I’ve found a question that’s already brought me a new sense of meaning. I no longer ask, “What do I want to let go of, and what do I want to hang on to?” Instead I ask, “What do I want to let go of, and what do I want to give myself to?”
The desire to “hang on” comes from a sense of scarcity and fear. The desire to “give myself” comes from a sense of abundance and generosity. That’s the kind of truth I want to wither into.
What do you want to let go of in the coming year?
What do you want to give yourself to?
What is keeping you from giving yourself fully?
”
What do you want to let go of in the coming year?
What do you want to give yourself to?
What is keeping you from giving yourself fully?
These were the questions that were contemplated during our sharing circle, and, oh, did we share a rich collection of stories, desires and intentions! Sincere gratitude to everyone.
The Qigong practice that followed was deep…I could fully feel your presence and it was powerful! Together we gently released and we gave ourselves fully to source. I encourage you to continue releasing, and giving, and filling, and loving in every moment of every day! 💗
And, now a little footnote…
I wish to share with you a story I wrote in 2002 shortly after my daughter’s birth which was published in Birthing Magazine. To be totally honest, my current self struggles a bit when I read these words. I find myself feeling somewhat distant from the woman who wrote it and maybe even a bit judgemental of her... my older self finds it a bit difficult to fully relate to her level of grief and disappointment in this situation. Yet I am able to extend deep compassion to my younger self. I remember how real these feelings were to me at the time, and I fully honour the experience and my willingness to grow from it. As it turns out, life (as life does) would go on to give me several more chances to practice letting go. After Ayla’s birth I had four miscarriages, my parents divorced and I was diagnosed with breast cancer, not to mention the ongoing necessity to surrender control as a parent.
Like all of you, life has given me (and will continue to do so) many opportunities to…
Let go of what “should” happen and give myself fully to what “could” happen.
True gifts.
“WHEN PLANS GET TURNED UPSIDE DOWN
Lessons From my Breech Baby, 2002
By Patti Wardlaw
On January 11, 2002 at 10:29 AM, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. When Ayla was placed into my arms, I was struck by how utterly content she looked. Right then I knew that her birth, though nothing like I had imagined, was exactly the way it was supposed to be. As I looked into her eyes, I felt an incredible surge of gratitude and a complete sense of peace. What an unexpected and surprisingly perfect ending to the emotional journey of the past 25 days.
Initially the prospect of a cesarean birth filled with me with anger, fear, and despair. But now I am truly thankful to Ayla for choosing to be born by cesarean. In doing so, she has taught me more about myself, and my strength as a woman (and a mother) then I could have ever learned from a natural, home birth.
Here is the story of the birth of my child…and of my journey into motherhood.
December 18th, 2001
Today I had my 36th week pre-natal check-up with Joy, one of our midwives. Since we were planning a home birth, Joy came to see our house and discuss our “plans”.
For the past nine months I had prepared myself mentally and physically for a natural homebirth. I believe that a strong and healthy woman can give birth without the help of any drugs, forceps or surgical tools. I believe that birth can occur naturally, beautifully, and without complications if a woman is able to move freely, relax completely, and completely surrender to the innate wisdom of her own body. I also believe that giving birth is a special rite of passage for a woman.
After our discussion with Joy, I felt even more excited and confident in my abilities to give birth. I was so grateful that we chose midwives to attend our birth. Under the care of these women, I was confident that my birth would be natural, beautiful, and safe.
Then Joy palpitated my belly and everything changed. She was quite certain that she felt the baby’s bottom near my pelvis instead of her head. If my baby was breech and did not turn, she explained, I would have to have a cesarean section. Joy arranged for an ultrasound that afternoon. As this was our first ultrasound, we were touched to see our baby’s image. We got a beautiful view of her face; her eyes were wide open as if she was looking right at us. Unfortunately that cute little face was sitting the wrong way. It was confirmed - our baby was a complete breech. I laid on the ultrasound table and cried in disbelief.
The thought of not being able to birth my baby totally devastated me. The midwives recommended several methods to help turn the baby and also scheduled an ECV (external version) for December 26th – 8 days from today.
Determined to help my baby turn, I tried every alternative method possible. I spent hours with my butt in the air. Every other day I went to the pool and did headstands in the water. Every night my husband applied moxabustion (Chinese medicine) to my toes. I visualized my baby turning, I talked to my baby, and I played music and shined a flashlight over my abdomen. I took homeopathic and flower essence remedies. I underwent hypnosis. And I spent hours and hours in the office of a skilled and wonderful chiropractor experienced with the Webster Technique for turning breech babies. Despite all my efforts, the baby still did not turn.
December 26th, 2001
Christmas came and went in a blur. On Boxing Day at 9:00 am we had an appointment at the hospital for an ECV. With time ticking away, we put our hope into the hands of an experienced obstetrician. Pressing on the outside of my belly, he tried several times to turn our baby, but she would not budge. He advised us to schedule a cesarean section for January 8th. He chose this day because it was one week before our baby’s due date. By electing the cesarean at this time, he said, we would minimize any risks of going into labor and reduce the chance of any complications. Afraid for our baby’s safety, we reluctantly accepted his advice and booked the c-section for January 8th at 2:00 pm.
I cried the whole way home from the hospital, and continued to cry several times a day for the next 7 days. The excitement I should have been feeling about the upcoming birth had been replaced by fear and anxiety. I felt robbed, I felt angry, I felt resentment, I felt afraid, and most of all, I felt dreadfully alone.
I was told by many well-intentioned people to focus on the baby, not the birth. I was told that birth was a “non-event” and all that mattered was having a healthy baby. I kindly nodded my head in agreement and then quietly went to the bathroom and cried. What was wrong with me? Was the birth experience really more important to me than the health of my baby? How could I be so self-centred? No matter how hard I tried, I simply could not accept it…not yet anyways.
December 31, 2001
My husband and I were joining some friends at their cabin in the mountains to celebrate New Years. On the drive we decided to cancel the scheduled cesarean and to let the baby choose her birthday. If the baby was still breech once labor started then we would go to the hospital and have the surgery if necessary. This way we would be giving our baby every possible opportunity to turn. I immediately paged the midwives to run this by them, and they were totally supportive. Finally, I felt some relief - I had regained some control.
My sense of peace was short lived. Later that evening, surrounded by a group of close friends, I found myself feeling more alone then ever. I awoke at 3:00 am on January 1st crying uncontrollably. Although we had cancelled the elective surgery, I was still deeply troubled by the fact that this baby had to turn or else she would be born by cesarean section.
Determined to find a “solution”, I began researching vaginal breech births. I read everything I could get my hands on. After analyzing all this data, my husband and I decided that we wanted a trial of labor and, if safe, an attempt at a vaginal breech delivery. We also decided that we wanted a second chance at an ECV, with another obstetrician.
January 4, 2002
I met with Penny, our midwife to tell her about our “latest” plan. Once again, she listened patiently and offered me every ounce of support and guidance possible.
Penny agreed to try to schedule another ECV, and to support us during a trial of labor. She explained the risks and prepared me for the resistance I would receive from the medical staff at the hospital.
In truth the thought of a trial of labor scared me. In my heart I knew that a vaginal birth was unlikely. But I simply could not succumb to surgery without first giving my baby every chance possible for a normal birth.
January 8, 2002
Had we followed the advice of the first obstetrician, today would have been my daughter’s birthday. I was supposed to have a c-section this afternoon at 2:00 pm. Instead I am sitting at my computer typing this story.
Today I found a new sense of peace that I had not found before. I realized that my baby’s head was closest to my heart, and suddenly I appreciated her breech position rather than resent it. Despite this “abnormal” position, she continued to grow, move, and hiccup within the nourishing environment of my uterus, completely oblivious to the concerns and risks of her upcoming birth.
Suddenly I realized that this birth was not just about me. I have been completely focused on the birthing experience as a rite of passage, a time when a woman learns of her true power. But apparently the Birth Gods feel there is a deeper, very different lesson for me to learn from this birth. I think they are concerned about my seemingly false illusion of motherhood (and perhaps of life). I was fortunate to have an easy conception and an incredibly smooth and healthy pregnancy. Until now, I believed that as long as I do all the “right” things then everything would be perfect.
I am now accepting that life (and especially motherhood) is not so straightforward.
January 11, 2002
At 39 ½ weeks pregnant I had an appointment for a second attempt at an external version. This time it was with Dr. Martyn, an OB who, some say, is the best at performing ECV’s. As soon as I met Dr. Martyn I knew he was the right doctor for me. I liked his attitude and assertiveness. He seemed to want my baby to turn as much as I did. He was also open to a vaginal breech birth.
When it came time to do the ECV, he truly gave it his best shot. As he began to apply pressure to my belly, I took a deep breath. Within seconds, he had her bottom lifted out of my pelvis and began to turn her head down. Oh my God, I thought, it is working…it is working!! I took another deep breath and closed my eyes. In a few moments her head would be down and I would be able to have a normal birth! Thank God for this doctor, I thought, what a wonderful gift he has given us.
Wait a minute, something was wrong! Her heart rate had dropped and he was turning her back! Prepare for an immediate c-section, he said. Oh my God, I thought, what have I done? What have I done to our baby? The anaesthesiologist was leaning over me asking several questions. I turned to Dave for reassurance. He looked terrified. Penny was holding my hand, telling me everything was going to be just fine.
As soon as we got into the operating room they hooked up the monitor. Her heart rate was back to normal! Everyone relaxed.
Dr. Martyn explained that the cord was around the baby’s neck. When he moved her, the cord was tightened and the oxygen was cut off. This also explained why she had stayed in a breech position. He said that I could go home and wait for labor to start, but he would not recommend an attempt at a vaginal delivery in these circumstances. Penny asked if he would be able to be on call when I went into labor, but his schedule simply did not permit him to make such a commitment.
It didn’t matter anyways, as I had my answer. What mattered now was the health of our baby. Finally I had the resolution I had been seeking. Now I knew why she was breech and that there was no possible way she could turn. She was a smart baby and found the safest place in my womb.
So there I was sitting on an operating table looking out the window with a perfect view of the Rocky Mountains. It was a beautiful winter day. The sun was shining, the sky was blue and the ground and trees were covered with fresh snow from the night before. I reached for Dave’s hand and I saw the fear in his eyes. I looked at Penny and her eyes told me that it was time for me to do what I felt was right.
The medical staff were amazing! They were all scrubbed and ready for surgery, and yet they gave us plenty of time to decide. There was no pressure. I could just as easily have climbed off that table and walked home. But now I knew what our baby wanted. This wasn’t about me anymore - it was about my family. I had given it my best shot, but a natural birth was simply not meant to be…not this time. I held Dave’s hand on one side and Penny’s on the other, and with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face I said, “It is time to meet our baby”.
The cesarean was beautiful. The Birth Gods were smiling on us that day. They sent their angels into that operating room. Everyone was so kind and gentle. When it was time for Ayla to be born, they dropped the sheet and we saw her beautiful body emerge from my womb. She was placed in my arms within moments of her birth - and in my arms she stayed.
My worst fears never came to fruition. Ayla did not have any problems breathing, she nursed within 30 minutes of her birth. And thanks to Penny, we were able to take Ayla home the day after her birth where we both could relax and nurture ourselves.
I have accepted Ayla’s birth, but I cannot say that I am happy about the way it went. No, in truth I am still sad about her birth, not angry or resentful…just sad. I have a beautiful baby that I carried for 9 months inside of me and yet I still do not know what it feels like to have a contraction!
I lost out on the birthing experience, but I gained a beautiful daughter who I respect deeply. Ayla taught me that birth, as with life, cannot be “planned” or “controlled”. She taught me that in the pursuit of our dreams, we must know when it is time to surrender. I feel as though I understand Ayla better because of our experience together. I look forward to watching her grow into a beautiful woman who will one day have her own birthing experiences. I hope that I can be there to help her to listen to her body…and her baby.
________________________________________________________
Special thanks to Briar Hill Midwives, Penny Salkeld, Joy West-Eklund, and Meryl Moulton and to Doctor of Chiropractic, Judy Forrester. The loving guidance and support they extended to me went way beyond the call of duty. Their compassion and professional expertise was instrumental in helping me to come to terms with Ayla’s breech position and her cesarean birth.
”
Ayla, 17 years old today! 💞