Photos taken at Glenbow Ranch Provincial Park on June 26, 2020, four weeks after the removal of my breast implants (with a flat closure).

I found the lump in July 2017.

I found it one evening while attending a Satsang retreat with Pamela Wilson. Pamela’s retreats are an especially sacred place for me and I was grateful that grace chose to reveal the lump to me at a time when I was particularly receptive and supported. One of the members of the sangha, Susan, was a doctor and I asked her to examine my breast. Susan felt pretty certain that it was a benign cyst and suggested that I have it looked at when I returned home. Her advice helped me to relax and enjoy the rest of the summer on Vancouver Island with my family. Though I checked the lump everyday, I felt remarkably relaxed and confident that all was ok.

And it was.

A mammogram in early September revealed that the lump was a benign cyst, the fluid was drained and the pathology came back clear. The lump, as it turned out, was a beacon - its purpose was to point out other areas of my breast tissue that were abnormal.

After several weeks and four (stressful) biopsies I learned that I had multi-focal DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ), a treatable and early stage of breast cancer. Though there was relief in knowing the cancer was neither advanced nor invasive, the shock of the diagnosis brought me to my knees and took me into a deep depression.

This downward spiral would turn out to be one of the greatest gifts of my life.

What surprised me most about my depression was the shame and failure that I felt. It may sound ridiculous to be ashamed of cancer, yet as I discovered, it is a very common reaction. The fact that I felt shame revealed a very important aspect of myself that I had not yet had the courage to look at. Like so many others, I thought that I was in control of everything. I truly believed that if I ate healthy foods, exercised, and had a spiritual practice that I would somehow be immune from a disease like cancer.

The fact that I had recently become a teacher of Qigong, an energetic healing modality, added to my shame. At one point, shortly after my diagnosis, I actually thought I would have to give up Qigong and teaching because I thought that I must not be very good at it. Of course, I now see how misplaced these thoughts were. But I was right in guessing that I was at risk of being judged by some people in the spiritual/healing community for “getting” cancer. Now, two and half years later I am able to smile and feel compassion for both myself and for others for believing those thoughts.

So, as you can guess, the first phase of my healing came from facing my shame. Though it was terrifying, I decided to share my diagnosis publicly with all my family, friends and qigong clients. Not only did I share my diagnosis but I shared my struggle with the shame and the stigma. This turned out to be a remarkable gift to both me and those I shared with. By being vulnerable, I gave everyone else permission to be vulnerable….and, together, we dissolved the belief that we are supposed to be perfect and invincible.

The second phase of my healing was in choosing a treatment plan. I was given two options: a lumpectomy with radiation or a mastectomy with likely no need for radiation. After a lot of research and soul searching I decided to have a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction using implants. Choosing such a radical procedure opened me up to criticism from those who thought I should treat my cancer naturally. Fortunately, by this stage, I was able to look past other people’s opinions and find out what was true for me. And the need for a mastectomy felt very, very true. I boldly stepped forward into this truth, I asked for love and support of those around me, and I learned how to receive.

I had the mastectomy and had no regrets.

The implants were another story.

Though at the time of my surgery I said that I was clear and confident with my choice to have reconstruction, I am now able to reflect and realize that this was not the case. The truth is that I was not able to face the alternative at that time in my life. Since I could not face the prospect of going flat, I moved ahead with what seemed like the perfect solution - go into the surgical room with boobs and come out with boobs!

Sigh, if only it was that simple.

The implants never felt good. Even after the recovery they continued to cause me pain (shooting nerve sensations, heaviness and tightness when breathing, overall pain, and extreme sensitivity to the cold). And, although I looked good by society’s standards, I didn’t feel it… though I spent the first 18 months convincing myself otherwise.

Shortly after the surgery, I started to notice several things in my body that just didn’t feel right, such as dizziness, ringing in the ears, brain-fog, and achy joints. I never imagined these symptoms could have anything to do with my implants until a friend posted on Facebook about her struggles with Breast Implant Illness (BII). As soon as I read her post and learned about the number of women struggling with BII, the facade I had been living under shattered - I was finally given “permission” to listen to my inner truth.

It was crystal clear…my implants had to go!

And so began my third phase of healing. It took me more than six months to navigate my way to my decision to “explant”, choose a surgeon, and come to terms with going flat. As before, I stepped into my vulnerability. For me, this meant having the courage to share my decision with my friends, family and clients. In many ways, sharing this part of my journey was harder than before…this time it felt deeply personal. It is truly amazing how much pressure women feel to be regarded as sexually desirable and how the absence of breasts is generally deemed to be unacceptable in our society.

It was fascinating to peel back the layers upon layers of expectations, stigmas and images and to reclaim my empowerment as a woman. It was also truly enlightening to have open and honest conversations with my husband and to allow him to express his feelings and to watch him grow throughout our journey.

Those six months were anything but easy…but when the time came to go into the operating room, I felt nothing but ease!

I was confidently able to ask my surgeon, Dr. Kate Elzinga, to give me a full flat closure (which, as I learned, is a specific surgical procedure). I chose Dr. Elzinga to do my surgery because she believes in Breast Implant Illness and believes that women have the right to choose to go flat. I was at total peace with my decision and I was fully supported by my husband, our two teenage daughters, my extended family, and a beautiful tribe of loving and caring women.

When I woke up from my surgery I nearly cried with relief. I was able to breathe fully again! The expansiveness of my breath and the freedom I felt was unbelievable. It was as if an elephant had been lifted off my chest.

Since my surgery (five weeks at the time of writing this) I have felt absolutely renewed with energy! People say that I look better, that they can see clarity in my eyes and I tell them it is true…I feel clear! No more brain fog, dizziness or ringing in the ears. I feel totally liberated and comfortable in my new body.

Being flat is who I am and I feel fabulous!

——————-

I am forever grateful for the amazing support and stories of the thousands of brave women who shared on the following Facebook groups: Breast Implant Illness and Healing by Nicole, Breast Implant Failure and Illness Canada, Fierce, Flat, Forward and Flat and Fabulous as well as the following websites: https://www.healingbreastimplantillness.com, and www.notputtingonashirt.org.

Through the chaos and confusion

there is stillness and truth

my breasts removed

fears conquered

a return home

to who I am

I breathe fully again

beneath the moon

surrounded by my ancestors

they tell me:

“you did the right thing, a long life lays ahead.”

- Patti Wardlaw